Monday, June 14, 2010

I Am Who I Am

How can I convince everyone that I'm not like everyone else when I do the same things as everyone else?

It's Monday, I'm at work reading insurance and I get a thought, I am so far from the path that I want to be on that I can't even begin to map out how to get back on course. When I was informed that we would be laid off at my job I immediately thought of two things, 1) I won't have to see this place anymore & 2) now I can do "what I really want to do in life."

Needless to say these were for lack of a better phrase "knee-jerk reactions" to exciting news. Then as financial obstacles began piling their way into my path to finally being "free" to be who I want to be reality set in. "You have bills that must be paid, not optional, you have finances that need to be set in order, things you should be doing," I told myself and in a matter of weeks I went from knowing exactly the path I was taking to being frantic about my impending unemployment. I won't say I'm the most certain person in the world as at times I've been known to be indecisive sometimes to the point that I make myself miserable, but I was certain that my path was leading me where I wanted to be. Then it happened, I was offered an "opportunity" by the employer that shall remain nameless to participate in their College of Insurance program, which I have no interest whatsoever in doing, but because it offered "stability" financially I found myself saying yes, that and the fact that I was told, rightly so, that I can't say no.

I've been tossing and turning over the decision I made to take perceived financial stability, which in this case means I save up just enough money to be broke at the end of every week, instead of taking a leap of faith that may or may not have lead me to making my dreams a reality but at this point I'm not sure I will ever know. People who I call friends, co-workers, mentors, associates and the like have all offered their input, saying things such as, "this may be where God is leading you," or "sometimes to go forward, you must go backward," or "everybody needs a job."

Which brings me to my point, if you've read my earlier post "Truth or Dare" you know that I stated that a lot of times we use God as a reason to or not to do something, if not I think its a good read check it out. If you don't believe in God no worries I'm not trying to make you a believer or force anything on you I believe what I believe for the reasons I believe it. Anyway, sometimes people can be so caught up in the idea/ideals of religion they forget one minuscule albeit important concept that we have free will. So to my "advisers" who say this "may be the path God has laid out for me" it may also be the path I laid out for myself.

Going backward to go forward, to me does not make any sense whatsoever, if you take two steps forward and two steps back, to use the Paula Abdul song for reference, you will never get anywhere and also it seems a little insane. Think about it. I mean in actuality wouldn't this be counterproductive thinking, to think you in order to get ahead you have to go backwards, now don't get me wrong I do believe that sometimes in order to go forward you must be patient and even stop once in a while and sometimes tread water, but go backwards, that just seems like the train of thought that keeps people working for other people. So to my "go backwards to get forwards" advisers I can get down with going sideways, waiting to make a move or even treading water, but not going backwards.

Lastly, while yes everyone needs a job it is possible that everyone is not like everyone else. I cannot for the life of me grasp a 9-5 position, no matter how much I try or how I attempt to make the best of it, I always end up at the same point, boredom and hating where I work. I don't know how many people feel like I do I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I do, I just feel that my talents do not lie in a job that doesn't interest me. Now just because I'm not super enthusiastic about what I do does not mean I won't do my best because I like being the best at what I do. When I tell people this they almost instinctively (maybe programmed?) ask "well what is it you want to do?" I never know how to answer this question because the answer changes. Sometimes I want to write, sometimes I want to perform, sometimes I want to do nothing and sometimes I just don't know, this is the answer I usually go with because I am unsure of how or if I should explain my passion to the asking party. So I will try and make it as simple as possible to everyone and you can judge me as you will,

If I had to choose one career I would be a studio engineer, If I had to choose one occupation I would be an emcee, if I had to choose one job I would be a writer, and if I could combine all of those into one I would be paid.

Peace & Prosperity J

Friday, June 11, 2010

Abstract Train of Thought

In an effort to get through my writer's block my goal is to write for at least 30 minutes everyday without any thought or structure to what I'm writing or how I'm writing, so if it doesn't make sense so be it. So here goes nothing

Rockstar filled dreams seem to be a figment of reality TV

See me I'm more grounded than airborn but I was born to fly if only I could find a way to get off the ground without leaving the ground,

These types of consistent inconsistentsies make me more abstract than normal, maybe. I don't necessarily break down lines by subject, verb or predicate my mind predates time so close to God I never learned to fear, so far away from God I never learned to fear

I never learned to hear the truth until I couldn't bear it no more, no more trouble we don't need I bleed ink hue's and gunshot wounds in the same sentence

Since its abstract trains of thoughts I train my thoughts to be different, I dare to be different.
The difference between you and me, well that's for me to know and you to write about....

Peace and prosperity, J