Monday, July 26, 2010

My Vacation and the Insight

So I've been away on vacation for the past week or so and let me say that it was great. I had a great time in the Tri-State area, that's New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania (Philadelphia) for those who aren't familiar. Anyway it was my first time and I have to say that I absolutely loved Philly, not the killing parts but we didn't go there, New York was hot, literally and New Jersey was well.... New Jersey. All in all it was a great trip to summarize I left a t-shirt on the subway in NY on my way from Brooklyn, I saw a guy on a bike curse out a lady in a car in Philly. Went to South Street in Philly & that was an experience. Went to Times Square and Broadway and by the World Trade Center sites but outside of that we didn't do much on the tourist scene. We did go to an open mic spot called the Village Underground in the West Village in Manhattan that was pretty dope, I saw a total of three sewer rats, two in NY & one in Jersey City. They ranged in size from big, pretty big and Master Splinter who crawled out of the sewer onto the street in NY and I thought it was an opossum. On the way back from our trip we stopped outside of D.C. for a pit stop/bathroom stop at a Taco Bell. Inside my cousin and I were going to the restroom. This particular restroom was one that only had one toilet in it and at the time it was occupied. Now I didn't see a sign or anything so I pushed on the door to attempt to enter but it was locked. At that point a voice shouts out "push on the fucking door again and see what happens." Now this voice was rather deep and sounded menacing (sarcasm) when the guy opened the door, a black guy mind you, what he saw was me 6'1 275lbs and my cousin 5'11 300+ lbs. This guy was about 5'7 or 5'8 maybe 160lbs max so when he came out and saw us his expression turned from menacing to him almost pissing on himself. Now if you know me or my cousin Jermey then you know we are laid back individuals and don't start too much stuff but I just woke up and had a "don't mess with me" look on my face coupled by the fact I hadn't shaved in a week, my cousin who was driving to that point also had a "I'm tired don't mess with me" look to his face too and a full beard so to the person who doesn't know us they probably wouldn't talk trash to us. So after I use the restroom the guy comes up to me and says something to the effect like, "Man my bad I just had to use the toilet & I didn't want to be interrupted," to which I replied "its all good" and walked away. I thought this was the funniest thing to happen on our trip besides the guy who stopped traffic on a back street in Philly to curse out a woman who honked her horn at him, that was classic. Oh I also forgot to mention, Atlantic City is the devil... You may draw your own conclusions here.

As we got back into town, some of my friends and acquaintances were checking in on me to see how the trip was and things and this is what I gathered. A lot of people I know on a personal level feel as if I have the potential to be great, though I can't honestly say that I feel like such a great person or individual. I have heard time and time again that I'm going to do something wonderful and great and change the way people think and feel. I just wonder why I don't see the same qualities in myself everyone else sees in me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling the people I meet and know, am I fooling myself? Do I just not recognize what others are able to see? How does it feel not to live up to your potential, it effing sucks.

Peace & Prosperity J

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Truth in Beauty

Truth, much like beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Behold beauty what do you see?

I have been told beauty is only skin deep and that different people find different things beautiful. Let's not confuse beauty though with physical appearance because beauty has nothing to do with physicality. Don't get me wrong, you can most certainly say an object, person, etc. is beautiful but what are we really saying. I see and know people who I think are beautiful, they have a beautiful mind, a beautiful spirit or aura, or are physically beautiful but what does that mean?

To me beauty is more asthetic than something that is measurable. I see beauty as an ideal more than an adjective. To me beauty can be a feeling like, the beauty of the sun setting over the ocean offers peacful tranquility or it can be descriptive, the aura of her beauty made me double take and rethink my existence, I have a poem that describes my feeling of beauty versus pretty;

You Beauty,

do things to me Pretty never could

You're way more than skin deep

I swim deep into your spiritual abyss and hope I don't miss today's lesson

I'll still cross time and space

To place these words at your feet

My mouth can't speak

But my heart knows are true

You're the truth to me Beauty

From afar I star gaze at you like

You're the Milky Way's way of letting me know

God exists

You exist between my respirations

Making it difficult to breathe

You make it difficult to believe in reality because

Reality seems to be a figment of my imagination

And let's face it Beauty

You attract me in ways Pretty never could

Pretty was pretty damn good at catching my eye

But not holding my attention

You, you make me attentive

So I actively listen to the things you say and do

Because when I grow up I want to be just like you


Mentor me

Show me how so effortlessly and eloquently

You put things

So I may one day put things in a way that makes you smile

Because Beauty you make me smile

And I just wanted to write this note to let you know

You still amaze me

And to thank you for all of the times you unknowingly saved me

So thank you Beautiful

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dreaming of Reality

So I was talking with my co-worker today and we were talking about my seemingly lacksidasical demeanor the past couple of days. In the midst of our conversation she said something that turned on the proverbial light bulb in my head. She said "I don't dream the same anymore."

To provide some background context to our conversation we were talking about doing the things we (I) want to do and how the best way to do something is to just do it. So here goes my thoughts on the above quote.

When I was small, like 7 or 8 I used to have these dreams, in my dreams I would go outside into my parents yard and there was this hole, I would go into this hole to Hell and in Hell I would save people's souls. This dream as you could imagine scared the bejesus out of me and I used to wake up at night crying scared. As I grew older and became more "religiously trained" I thought of this dream to be my destination that I would literally save people from Hell. Now, that I am "spiritually aware" of myself and my surroundings I see it more as I am just a vessle that allows others the opportunity to see God through me, I don't have to save them or convince them of anything, just show them the God in me.

About a year or so before my son was conceived I would have dreams of him. I dreamed of both my grandmother's being in the presence of Jesus (in separate occasions along with myself being there with them) I've also had a dream that I was in heaven. My point is I'm a spiritual person and I've on more than one occasion seen and felt the spirit of God. I've also dreamed of myself performing in front of large crowds at various places such as arenas, clubs, and places of that nature. But lately, I haven't been dreaming for a while. I haven't seen much good in myself or my abilities for quite some time. Even when people pay me compliments on my poetry, my music or my blog I don't exactly know how to accept those things and I find myself belittling myself in these situations.

To me dreams always mean something, they may not always be literal interpretations of what is in the dream but they do have meaning. Don't get so consumed in dreaming that you forget to live life because like I've been told time and time again, we have the ability to speak life or death into existence, maybe we have the ability to dream things into existence as well.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Act of Love

Strange secrets, dark rooms
Light doesn't bode well in dark places
Spaces become vacant in moments of clarity
But clearly I don't SEE you and you don't SEE me
So let's stop pretending

Make-shift card houses fall freely from gale force whirl winds of emotion
emoting what seems to be an ocean of understanding and forgiveness
Forgive us for our trespasses, we know not how to love
Though we claim we do

We love so selfishly that its more like fear
It tastes like fear just think,
How many things do YOU do because YOU don't love me like YOU should
Should I count the ways?

I count the days past when days passed like light years
I have slight fears that arise when confronted, with questions like
"where have you been," "who were you with," "where are you going?"

I'm going crazy in two different shades of grey
who knows fury like a woman scorned?
I adorned you with roses while you left me the thorns

And its ok, I'm still Cyrano, you're my Lady Day
Lady come save my day, like they do in the movies
And we can act on our passions,
Dance into the night to our soul's progression

- in order to get something you've never had, you must do something you've never done. -