Thursday, November 4, 2010

A Poem for the Lost Ones

I never wanted to be the reason he beat her
But every time they got into it I seemed to be the center of attention
I don't remember when it started
But I do remember the crying, the screaming, the begging, the pleading
He always claimed he was no demon
Saying she always provoked it like her breathing was reason enough to
Make the flesh run fresh from her brow
And I sat there speechless, feeling helpless hoping I was dreaming
But his "teachings" as he often referred to them,
Were engraved into her soul like she was touched by the spirit
And he touched her when it was convenient
Like after work, before church, after sessions with his mistress
As if calling her out her name wasn't enough
He wanted her to know how tough he was
And I was the one who suffered through the love taps,
The belt straps and he claimed he was no demon
Saying it was the temptation like 40 days in the wilderness could tame his appetite
For destruction of this woman
And he destroyed her mostly by force and fear
And he claimed he was no demon
But I could see it in his eyes
How they would fill with passion and pleasure as he inflicted pain
Again and again as if her screams were his favorite song on repeat
He hit her repeatedly until it hurt me
Made me bleed internally now I rest eternally
And these words will never be heard
Like I will never be seen or know how it feels to really breathe
And she will never be the same
He claimed he was no demon, my only question is,
Why did she believe him?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Fear Unknown

So last night I had a dream about a friend that I haven't spoken to in a while, too long in fact. The dream woke me out of my sleep at 2:30 in the morning. It was one of those disturbing dreams that feel so real, you can smell and see everything around with vivid clarity. In my dream, my friend and I had fallen out of contact much like in real life, but that happens sometimes life takes us all in different directions. In my dream, my friend was in an abusive relationship, in real life I suspected the same thing as a matter of fact I seen how they interacted during the time my friend and I were "real" friends. Now, I can't say how their relationship has grown but in my dream it hadn't grown much. My friend was someone who was and is very dear to me, I care about her a lot but we weren't able to be friends. I couldn't call to see how she was doing, you know just regular friend stuff. In my dream, things weren't as bad, they still argued and things but there was no physical violence. People began noticing the change in her demeanor and the bruises and how she always had some excuse for them. Somehow these people came to me for help. I didn't really want to get involved because I didn't want to be wrong or I didn't know what I could do, but I did anyway because domestic abuse is something that I don't tolerate. By the time I got involved their "small" arguments turned into pushing and shoving and punching and hitting. My friend had decided she had enough and was pursuing another man, I don't know who new guy was, but her old boyfriend caught wind of her "transgressions" and of course he was enraged. This is where my dream became frightening. The setting was a banquet or a cookout or some social gathering that we all happened to be at the same time. In real life, this would never happen, but in my dream this was the case. Anyway, at some point they began arguing and my friend's boyfriend slapped her in front of everyone. And he just kept slapping her and punching her in the face, in the chest, in the stomach. He literally beat her to within an inch of her life. It was like everybody there was so shocked to see it happening that no one did anything. So the ambulance, came she got better and it was like everyone knew what was going on but nobody would do anything. So I couldn't stand that nothing was being done about this guy, no arrest, no slap on the wrist absolutely nothing. I decided that I was going to do something about this, so me along with my cousin went and basically gave this guy a dose of his own medicine. That's when I woke up. If you know her, tell her that I asked about her.

Domestic violence is not something that is an easy conversation to have but if you or you know someone who is being abused, I would urge you to get assistance because nothing is as bad as losing your life. If you don't know what to look for here are a few signs that could be warning signs of domestic violence;

* Isolation
* Controlling finances and withholding money
* Preventing employment
* Hitting, pushing, choking
* Forced sexual contact
* Threatening
* Use of a weapon

We all have the power to help someone by just letting them know we care about them and letting them know that we are thinking about them and they matter to us. Domestic violence comes in multiple forms it is not always physical, sometimes its mental and emotional as well. We also have a new epidemic I feel in the realm of domestic violence, which is bullying in middle and high school as well as college kids. Cyber bullying whatever you want to call it is a form of domestic violence. Please let's educate ourselves and save some lives in the process. Here are some links that can assist in education and participation with this matter.


Friday, October 22, 2010

You Better Lose Yourself

     So I'm at the house just recorded some new tracks and re-recorded some vocals that needed to be redone. That's the beauty of having your own stuff, as my man Twint4K would say all my recordings are "sponsored by free studio time." Now I'm not saying I have the best equipment or the most expensive equipment but it certainly gets the job done, though I do need a new computer. Anyway as I was recording and subsequently listening and pseudo-mixing the vocals and the tracks I began to think about some things. One I love to just sit and make music and try to make it sound as good as it possibly can sonically and two sometimes in the midst of things I feel lost.

     Now I'm sure we've all had a feeling at one time or another where no matter what we do, it seems like we are just lost with no chance of finding our way. It also seems that when we lose our way its not just a small thing or just one thing, its a myriad of happenings. Its like the old saying, "when it rains, it pours." Sometimes we lose ourselves in our jobs or family or life happenings or whatever the situation may be, sometimes we get lost in the aspect of a situation and tend to over dramatize the actual situation. The worse thing about feeling/being lost is not knowing how to find your way again. The trek from being lost to finding yourself and your way again is a tricky journey because you have to do things that are out of your ordinary. Sometimes we get lost in the monotony of our everyday life doing the same routine for so long that you are not completely sure who you are and how you got here.

    The good thing about being lost is that in the process we often times discover something new about ourselves or the world around us that we normally would not have noticed. You may not know the strength that you hold until you find yourself in a situation that requires you to fight of fly. I'm an optimist and I tend to think that we will fight more than we will fly. Just think back on when times were rough and after the rough patch subsided, think about how much stronger you were, how many changes were made, how new things looked.

    When we find ourselves losing ourselves in whatever is going on around us, we must learn to step outside of the norm. Don't get discouraged if currently you feel like you are not where you want to be or you feel like you are losing your way. Just keep pushing and digging deep down because eventually we all find out who we really are and that is one of the greatest accomplishments we can make on this journey called life.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

These Three Words

"When was the last time that they heard you say, Mother or Father I love you and when was the last time that they heard you say, daughter or son I love you."

That was a line from the incomparable Stevie Wonder, a song called These Three Words. These words are so precious but so often misused. Too often we use the phrase "I love you" as a means to an end, a selfish end at that. Too often we use this phrase to manipulate or to get what we want, I once wrote "saying I love you means nothing nowadays, niggas just say it so they can go and get laid, ladies believing it knowing they heart is getting played, acting so gullible, its a damn shame." This came from a conversation I had with a girl in college who couldn't understand why none of her relationships worked out, it always ended the same, guy gets what he wants and then she gets heartbroken. It seems she equated love with sex and as soon as a guy even showed the remote possiblity that he was interested she was ready, willing and able to put it mildly. My point is our view of love varies depending on the situation.

We often use love as a situational emotion, meaning depending on how we think we feel in a particular moment we may choose to use love. For instance, we often say I love you in times of despair such as a loved one passing or having a serious accident, we use I love you as a comforting phrase because we often feel guilty of not saying it enough or showing it enough. Or if we receive a gift from a loved one especially an expensive gift. Its as if the bigger the gift the more I love you. Now I'm not saying that every situation we say I love you in is disingenuous I'm just saying we don't use the act of loving enough.

Most people relate and recognize love in the realms of a romantic relationship. We've been programmed to view love as a romantic, sexual feeling. Just look in the world around us. From love songs to romantic comedies to romance novels, to these "reality" shows that sell sex, the idea that beauty is superficial, and that love means getting something in return and its easy to see that we've lost the identity of love. In my opinion we get too caught up that love is something aesthetic when love is all around us. In order to change our perception of love we've got to change our definition of love. If we perceive love as only something we can touch then we treat it as such. We've got to come to a higher understanding of what love is and what it isn't. To me love is everything, its the energy around us, its the man on the street, its the kids playing, its the birds in the sky. We have to expand our horizon on love and the effect it has on everything around us. If we can change how we define love then it can begin to work more authentically in our lives. Things would be less stressful and we would be more in tune with life, which would help us lead a more fulfilling life.

Don't take for granted that love is all around us and don't take loved ones for granted either. Let's gain a higher understanding of what love is and what it isn't. Agape.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Magnificient

Its been a minute since my last post, but today I'm feeling some type of way. Today, God presented him/herself in one of the most awesome ways I have seen/felt in a while. I've always felt the presence of God in everyday life situations and I think I've always known how mighty God is but I've never really shared or talked about it. Maybe its because I didn't know how to express myself or maybe its because I felt like I didn't have to express myself, either way my point is I see it and feel it whether you know it or not.

In my opinion God is awesome because God doesn't care what your religion is, God doesn't care if you go to church every Sunday, God doesn't even care if you are not perfect. God is awesome because despite all of your short comings God is God, whether you believe it or not. Today I learned (again) that you speak into existence what you want and that God hears it exactly as you speak it. For instance I was talking to a gentleman today and I said that I play the piano and that I'm not the best or the worst and he stopped me and said that even the little statement of me saying I'm not the best or the worst was negative which made me think, how much time do we spend actually speaking negativity into existence without even realizing it?

To me, God is awesome because God shows him/herself in an array of ways and they are always palatable if you know what God sounds/looks/acts like. For me God sounds like the people in my life that I love and trust the most. Sometimes its one of my grandmothers, sometimes its an aunt sometimes a close friend and even sometimes in my favorite songs, but I always know. God to me looks like women for the most part but always a shining light. I can't quite describe the light but I always know within minutes of our conversation that I'm speaking with God. In women God is loving, beauty, nurturing, absolute. In men God is authoritative, exact, caring, comforting. In both when I see God I feel comforted, I feel true, I feel worthy.
I was reminded today that I am still with God and even though my current road is rough, I'm not forgotten and God always has people watching me around me, encouraging me keeping me close and reminding me of who I am and that I am worthy.

"If this was the last verse I ever wrote/what would I leave behind for everyone to know/know that I tried/and always did the best that I can/I'm not perfect/I barely was an average man/but I, stand for fam/and I write for freedom/tried to stay positive/tried to keep on believing/so peace to the dead/and the ones that's still breathing/you gotta keep up your head/and you gotta keep reaching/from the bottom of my heart/to the depths of my soul/these are the things that I think you should know/always keep your peace/and never forget/that throughout this life/you might lose your step/always keep your cool/and never lose your head/keep your family first/these are the rules to live/pop I made it/look at ya kid/the whole world is listening to the words I said/who would'a knew"

Monday, August 30, 2010

To be or not To be... Free

I want to say something to ease the tension of this poem, but really I'm not apologetic that I wrote it or that I'm sharing it, if you have a problem with it, you are probably either sheltered or a very good pretender that things like this doesn't happen. Either way, enjoy...

It was late, I was coming from a vigil for two slain officers

Depleted of energy, I was feeling sleepy, when sirens and blue lights awaken me

I pull over, so does he.

6'3 220 lbs former marine killing machine steps from State Trooper unmarked car

I swallow, take a deep breath, I've been in this situation before

"License and registration nigger" I look, swallow my pride take a deep breath.

He demands again, this time hand on holster
"license and registration nigger" draws his gun, points it at my head,

"Get the FUCK out of the car" heart racing, too much pride to be denied my human rights but too many stories of brothers and sisters murdered.

So reluctantly, I put my hands up, out the window, not moving fast enough so face meet steel then pavement.

This was way too familiar to be a case of mistaken identity.

APB says "black man between ages of 18-36 , 5'6 to 6'5, light to medium dark complexion, driving car commits crime." I fit the description too well mouth bleeding, being beat into submission, all I kept hearing was "stop resisting" not noticing second unmarked car pull up and pick up where first officer left off.

"Your black ass ain't making it home tonight" sounding just like this isn't the first time they've done this. Face numbing, can't figure out what I did to deserve this lesson in social status. No help in sight I'm fighting to hang on to life. I want to see my son again. I want to tell my family that I love them.

See I was charged with a DWB (driving while black) and no drugs on me to warrant a conviction. See racism hasn't been reprimanded in our society, it continues to run rampid like AIDS in Africa uncontained and slowly killing people who look like me.

Three months of recovery, two broken ribs, a fractured wrist, a fucked up hip and multiple contusions is what they left me to remember them by, along with a lifetime supply of day and nightmares anytime I see the boys in blue or state troops.

Don't think this can't happen to you, ask Rutger's women's basketball team, ask Oprah, ask your parents.

This is not a disease, its an epidemic and its only a matter of time before it happens to you or someone you love. Every scene isn't as graphic as the one described above they are just as degrading and humiliating from the boardroom to the courtroom, you're just a nigger to them too.

Ask the judge, ask your lawyer, ask your boss' boss

Don't be confused when they tell you Imus' views came from our culture, how many rap albums do you think he has?

Imus was a sexist, racist biggot way before Kool Herc plugged his turntables into a lamppost.

I realize a lot of the music is reinforcing stereotypes and degrading women but rap isn't the whole hip hop culture, its just a scapegoat to make you second guess yourself when your boss' comments turn into a slap on the butt or the guy from Enterprise is bullshitting you about renting a car and deep down you know its because of your race but you don't want to catch a case. That's just the things put into your head to make you think racism is dead but it ain't, ask the residents of Johnston Mills, ask Katrina victims, ask your secretary of State, shit ask your VP he's a bigger crook than I'll ever be and he's still your VP. Ask your president resident advisor of those advisors who advise us that we're not that important

Friday, August 27, 2010


Ok so this poem comes from a very personal, frustrated place I wrote it a few years ago and read it to one of my co-workers and he wanted to give it to his then girlfriend to break up with her and he said this expressed exactly how he was feeling. I revised the ending because I couldn't find the original and wrote this from memory until I couldn't remember anymore, so I had to write a new ending.

I'm sinking in this re-la-tion-ship of despair
I just stare off into the cosmos indulged by the night blue sky
Why, questions are always answered with why
Love just ain't the same as she used to be
Incoherent phrases raise answers whose questions have not been posed
I'm supposed to be who I want to be or who you want me to be
And I've been trying
I've been dying for you to accept my prose
But I'll be damned if I'll damn my soul for your acceptance
Who do you expect me to be?
This poem doesn't have any stanzas so where's the break-up?
Make-ups are made much easier when we aren't always right
And I know I made a wrong turn somewhere
My navigational system has flu-like symptoms
And I haiku my passions on paper, excuse me,
You're still infecting my immunity
Your low dosage love just isn't enough anymore
I need you in higher quantities
Spill-proof my heart so if it drops it won't break as easily
Where did we go awry?
How did we board this ill fated ship destined for its destiny
This trip was never intentional
These high seas of hopelessness have taken over my course
Plot me a map that leads to your direction
But this isn't poetry
Where are the rhyming words?
That's what you think of me
Words that rhyme, not an individual expression
And that's what I'm sick of
Being mis-read
Don't read between the lines, there's nothing to interpret
I'm a walking mis-conception and you're a walking contradiction
That's what makes you good for me
So I'll sink until you save me
Because concrete doesn't have much buoyancy
And this two ton boulder hasn't yet been chiseled into who I pretend to be
So I'll keep pretending
If that's what you need from me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Consistent Inconsistencies

Where do I begin? So many things have happened since I last posted. I was realeased, I mean laid off from my job because of some underhanded, I mean backstabbing, I mean because I "wasn't a fit" for the role I was in and they had no other positions to offer me. In my time off I've had more time to write poetry and music, though I haven't been making the most of my time and mostly I've been able to get my face back out there in the various scenes around town with the goal of being more involved. I've decided that I'm going to get back into this blogging thing by chronicling my days so that I can see what I'm actually doing with my time and how I can do things more efficiently.

As for this post this is a poem I wrote around the time after hurricane Katrina and the incident involving Sean Bell. Its untitled

I only want to write music and poems
Poems for the words to be heard, music for the soul to be stirred
Confusion lurks on the horizon of understanding

Not standing under false ideologies or false idols
America still worships the almighty

Dollars make sense to Presidents but not residents
of inner city concentration camps who can't comprehend
Why liberation always seems to slip their grasp
And we wonder why they grab guns
And why revolutions and revolutionaries these days are uncommon

But 41 shots are all too common,
51 shots are all too common
We are all too calm when city council condemns public housing
Because private condiminiums mean bigger paydays

What are we not seeing?

Just because evening news no longer views New Orleans devistation
Doesn't mean Katrina's catastrophe isn't firmly embedded in the memories of her victims
How quickly we forget

Someone's mother is still missing
Someone's father is still missing
sons and daughters aren't coming home

Many are still homeless

I wanna write music to inspire muses
that inspires movement without moving
A Song For You
Unforgettable, Irreplaceable music
That moves with the sound of the wind when you
Pray for the departed,

Amen music that transcends and resends love
To start a love movement
See we need more love in our music
And not that "let me buy you a drink and think that will suffice to take you home tonight"
I'm talking about that Sam Cooke
"Darling, you send me"
music that soothes the soul

This is a soul movement
I wanna write music and poems, poems for the words to be heard
Music for the soul to be stirred

Monday, July 26, 2010

My Vacation and the Insight

So I've been away on vacation for the past week or so and let me say that it was great. I had a great time in the Tri-State area, that's New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania (Philadelphia) for those who aren't familiar. Anyway it was my first time and I have to say that I absolutely loved Philly, not the killing parts but we didn't go there, New York was hot, literally and New Jersey was well.... New Jersey. All in all it was a great trip to summarize I left a t-shirt on the subway in NY on my way from Brooklyn, I saw a guy on a bike curse out a lady in a car in Philly. Went to South Street in Philly & that was an experience. Went to Times Square and Broadway and by the World Trade Center sites but outside of that we didn't do much on the tourist scene. We did go to an open mic spot called the Village Underground in the West Village in Manhattan that was pretty dope, I saw a total of three sewer rats, two in NY & one in Jersey City. They ranged in size from big, pretty big and Master Splinter who crawled out of the sewer onto the street in NY and I thought it was an opossum. On the way back from our trip we stopped outside of D.C. for a pit stop/bathroom stop at a Taco Bell. Inside my cousin and I were going to the restroom. This particular restroom was one that only had one toilet in it and at the time it was occupied. Now I didn't see a sign or anything so I pushed on the door to attempt to enter but it was locked. At that point a voice shouts out "push on the fucking door again and see what happens." Now this voice was rather deep and sounded menacing (sarcasm) when the guy opened the door, a black guy mind you, what he saw was me 6'1 275lbs and my cousin 5'11 300+ lbs. This guy was about 5'7 or 5'8 maybe 160lbs max so when he came out and saw us his expression turned from menacing to him almost pissing on himself. Now if you know me or my cousin Jermey then you know we are laid back individuals and don't start too much stuff but I just woke up and had a "don't mess with me" look on my face coupled by the fact I hadn't shaved in a week, my cousin who was driving to that point also had a "I'm tired don't mess with me" look to his face too and a full beard so to the person who doesn't know us they probably wouldn't talk trash to us. So after I use the restroom the guy comes up to me and says something to the effect like, "Man my bad I just had to use the toilet & I didn't want to be interrupted," to which I replied "its all good" and walked away. I thought this was the funniest thing to happen on our trip besides the guy who stopped traffic on a back street in Philly to curse out a woman who honked her horn at him, that was classic. Oh I also forgot to mention, Atlantic City is the devil... You may draw your own conclusions here.

As we got back into town, some of my friends and acquaintances were checking in on me to see how the trip was and things and this is what I gathered. A lot of people I know on a personal level feel as if I have the potential to be great, though I can't honestly say that I feel like such a great person or individual. I have heard time and time again that I'm going to do something wonderful and great and change the way people think and feel. I just wonder why I don't see the same qualities in myself everyone else sees in me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling the people I meet and know, am I fooling myself? Do I just not recognize what others are able to see? How does it feel not to live up to your potential, it effing sucks.

Peace & Prosperity J

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Truth in Beauty

Truth, much like beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Behold beauty what do you see?

I have been told beauty is only skin deep and that different people find different things beautiful. Let's not confuse beauty though with physical appearance because beauty has nothing to do with physicality. Don't get me wrong, you can most certainly say an object, person, etc. is beautiful but what are we really saying. I see and know people who I think are beautiful, they have a beautiful mind, a beautiful spirit or aura, or are physically beautiful but what does that mean?

To me beauty is more asthetic than something that is measurable. I see beauty as an ideal more than an adjective. To me beauty can be a feeling like, the beauty of the sun setting over the ocean offers peacful tranquility or it can be descriptive, the aura of her beauty made me double take and rethink my existence, I have a poem that describes my feeling of beauty versus pretty;

You Beauty,

do things to me Pretty never could

You're way more than skin deep

I swim deep into your spiritual abyss and hope I don't miss today's lesson

I'll still cross time and space

To place these words at your feet

My mouth can't speak

But my heart knows are true

You're the truth to me Beauty

From afar I star gaze at you like

You're the Milky Way's way of letting me know

God exists

You exist between my respirations

Making it difficult to breathe

You make it difficult to believe in reality because

Reality seems to be a figment of my imagination

And let's face it Beauty

You attract me in ways Pretty never could

Pretty was pretty damn good at catching my eye

But not holding my attention

You, you make me attentive

So I actively listen to the things you say and do

Because when I grow up I want to be just like you


Mentor me

Show me how so effortlessly and eloquently

You put things

So I may one day put things in a way that makes you smile

Because Beauty you make me smile

And I just wanted to write this note to let you know

You still amaze me

And to thank you for all of the times you unknowingly saved me

So thank you Beautiful

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dreaming of Reality

So I was talking with my co-worker today and we were talking about my seemingly lacksidasical demeanor the past couple of days. In the midst of our conversation she said something that turned on the proverbial light bulb in my head. She said "I don't dream the same anymore."

To provide some background context to our conversation we were talking about doing the things we (I) want to do and how the best way to do something is to just do it. So here goes my thoughts on the above quote.

When I was small, like 7 or 8 I used to have these dreams, in my dreams I would go outside into my parents yard and there was this hole, I would go into this hole to Hell and in Hell I would save people's souls. This dream as you could imagine scared the bejesus out of me and I used to wake up at night crying scared. As I grew older and became more "religiously trained" I thought of this dream to be my destination that I would literally save people from Hell. Now, that I am "spiritually aware" of myself and my surroundings I see it more as I am just a vessle that allows others the opportunity to see God through me, I don't have to save them or convince them of anything, just show them the God in me.

About a year or so before my son was conceived I would have dreams of him. I dreamed of both my grandmother's being in the presence of Jesus (in separate occasions along with myself being there with them) I've also had a dream that I was in heaven. My point is I'm a spiritual person and I've on more than one occasion seen and felt the spirit of God. I've also dreamed of myself performing in front of large crowds at various places such as arenas, clubs, and places of that nature. But lately, I haven't been dreaming for a while. I haven't seen much good in myself or my abilities for quite some time. Even when people pay me compliments on my poetry, my music or my blog I don't exactly know how to accept those things and I find myself belittling myself in these situations.

To me dreams always mean something, they may not always be literal interpretations of what is in the dream but they do have meaning. Don't get so consumed in dreaming that you forget to live life because like I've been told time and time again, we have the ability to speak life or death into existence, maybe we have the ability to dream things into existence as well.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Act of Love

Strange secrets, dark rooms
Light doesn't bode well in dark places
Spaces become vacant in moments of clarity
But clearly I don't SEE you and you don't SEE me
So let's stop pretending

Make-shift card houses fall freely from gale force whirl winds of emotion
emoting what seems to be an ocean of understanding and forgiveness
Forgive us for our trespasses, we know not how to love
Though we claim we do

We love so selfishly that its more like fear
It tastes like fear just think,
How many things do YOU do because YOU don't love me like YOU should
Should I count the ways?

I count the days past when days passed like light years
I have slight fears that arise when confronted, with questions like
"where have you been," "who were you with," "where are you going?"

I'm going crazy in two different shades of grey
who knows fury like a woman scorned?
I adorned you with roses while you left me the thorns

And its ok, I'm still Cyrano, you're my Lady Day
Lady come save my day, like they do in the movies
And we can act on our passions,
Dance into the night to our soul's progression

- in order to get something you've never had, you must do something you've never done. -

Monday, June 14, 2010

I Am Who I Am

How can I convince everyone that I'm not like everyone else when I do the same things as everyone else?

It's Monday, I'm at work reading insurance and I get a thought, I am so far from the path that I want to be on that I can't even begin to map out how to get back on course. When I was informed that we would be laid off at my job I immediately thought of two things, 1) I won't have to see this place anymore & 2) now I can do "what I really want to do in life."

Needless to say these were for lack of a better phrase "knee-jerk reactions" to exciting news. Then as financial obstacles began piling their way into my path to finally being "free" to be who I want to be reality set in. "You have bills that must be paid, not optional, you have finances that need to be set in order, things you should be doing," I told myself and in a matter of weeks I went from knowing exactly the path I was taking to being frantic about my impending unemployment. I won't say I'm the most certain person in the world as at times I've been known to be indecisive sometimes to the point that I make myself miserable, but I was certain that my path was leading me where I wanted to be. Then it happened, I was offered an "opportunity" by the employer that shall remain nameless to participate in their College of Insurance program, which I have no interest whatsoever in doing, but because it offered "stability" financially I found myself saying yes, that and the fact that I was told, rightly so, that I can't say no.

I've been tossing and turning over the decision I made to take perceived financial stability, which in this case means I save up just enough money to be broke at the end of every week, instead of taking a leap of faith that may or may not have lead me to making my dreams a reality but at this point I'm not sure I will ever know. People who I call friends, co-workers, mentors, associates and the like have all offered their input, saying things such as, "this may be where God is leading you," or "sometimes to go forward, you must go backward," or "everybody needs a job."

Which brings me to my point, if you've read my earlier post "Truth or Dare" you know that I stated that a lot of times we use God as a reason to or not to do something, if not I think its a good read check it out. If you don't believe in God no worries I'm not trying to make you a believer or force anything on you I believe what I believe for the reasons I believe it. Anyway, sometimes people can be so caught up in the idea/ideals of religion they forget one minuscule albeit important concept that we have free will. So to my "advisers" who say this "may be the path God has laid out for me" it may also be the path I laid out for myself.

Going backward to go forward, to me does not make any sense whatsoever, if you take two steps forward and two steps back, to use the Paula Abdul song for reference, you will never get anywhere and also it seems a little insane. Think about it. I mean in actuality wouldn't this be counterproductive thinking, to think you in order to get ahead you have to go backwards, now don't get me wrong I do believe that sometimes in order to go forward you must be patient and even stop once in a while and sometimes tread water, but go backwards, that just seems like the train of thought that keeps people working for other people. So to my "go backwards to get forwards" advisers I can get down with going sideways, waiting to make a move or even treading water, but not going backwards.

Lastly, while yes everyone needs a job it is possible that everyone is not like everyone else. I cannot for the life of me grasp a 9-5 position, no matter how much I try or how I attempt to make the best of it, I always end up at the same point, boredom and hating where I work. I don't know how many people feel like I do I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I do, I just feel that my talents do not lie in a job that doesn't interest me. Now just because I'm not super enthusiastic about what I do does not mean I won't do my best because I like being the best at what I do. When I tell people this they almost instinctively (maybe programmed?) ask "well what is it you want to do?" I never know how to answer this question because the answer changes. Sometimes I want to write, sometimes I want to perform, sometimes I want to do nothing and sometimes I just don't know, this is the answer I usually go with because I am unsure of how or if I should explain my passion to the asking party. So I will try and make it as simple as possible to everyone and you can judge me as you will,

If I had to choose one career I would be a studio engineer, If I had to choose one occupation I would be an emcee, if I had to choose one job I would be a writer, and if I could combine all of those into one I would be paid.

Peace & Prosperity J

Friday, June 11, 2010

Abstract Train of Thought

In an effort to get through my writer's block my goal is to write for at least 30 minutes everyday without any thought or structure to what I'm writing or how I'm writing, so if it doesn't make sense so be it. So here goes nothing

Rockstar filled dreams seem to be a figment of reality TV

See me I'm more grounded than airborn but I was born to fly if only I could find a way to get off the ground without leaving the ground,

These types of consistent inconsistentsies make me more abstract than normal, maybe. I don't necessarily break down lines by subject, verb or predicate my mind predates time so close to God I never learned to fear, so far away from God I never learned to fear

I never learned to hear the truth until I couldn't bear it no more, no more trouble we don't need I bleed ink hue's and gunshot wounds in the same sentence

Since its abstract trains of thoughts I train my thoughts to be different, I dare to be different.
The difference between you and me, well that's for me to know and you to write about....

Peace and prosperity, J

Friday, May 7, 2010


"You're living at a time of extremism, a time of revolution, a time when there's got to be a change. People in power have misused it and now there has to be a change and a better world has to be built and the only way its going to be built is with extreme methods. And I for one, will join in with anyone, I don't care what color you are, as long as you want to change this miserable condition that exists on this Earth. Thank you." - El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz BKA Malcolm X

What is a revolution? What is a revolutionary? Where does revolution begin?

Peace & Prosperity J

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Truth or Dare

This will be short and to the point...

So if you are a follower of me on Twitter (@mallogy) or a Facebook friend, you may know about my recent rants on the happenings at work. My department is being "downsized" and we were informed last minute and were asked to make a decision almost as suddenly as we were told.

My initial reaction was to have everyone just walk out because the audacity of this company to wait until the last minute to inform us of something that is life impacting and then not allow its employees, the people who make the company run, adequate time to adjust to said change is quite maddening in my opinon not to mention utterly confusing. Anyway, as I posted my frustrations and talked with various people I came to an understanding, (mostly with the help of my sister and a co-woker) sometimes change happens to see where your heart is. By that I mean, I've been saying for some time I was ready for a job change and I'm ready to pursue my art more intensely but I keep/kept finding reasons not to put that at the forefront.

For instance, I have a spoken word CD and have had it together for quite some time now. I was planning on pressing and releasing this CD in October of last year but I could never get the money together to pay to have it printed, which is just an excuse because I would always find extra money to go out or buy fast food or buy a game or whatever it is I wanted to do but never to do the one thing I claimed I wanted to do. So in light of the recent "changes" at work I had a discussion with my sister and she said something that stuck with me. I was telling her about a co-worker who gave me advice to use the situation as "a catapult...the door is open" I took that a step further and was like this is God's way of testing me if I truly want and believe in my art, my sister took it a step further and said "do you believe you can make it and if you do what makes you believe you can make it, and if not, what makes you think you aren't good enough?" That statement made me focus on me, see a lot of times we use God as a crutch to NOT do things when we are uncertain and need a "sign" to go forward or not to go forward. If we don't have to take responsibility for our actions then we can justify and have something to blame if/when we don't succeed when in actuality it is our decision one way or the other.

The Universe, God, in my opinion is an open vessel or portal where we can speak things into and out of existence. Sometimes when we want something, The Universe, God, presents us with an opportunity to grasp what we seek though it may not be in the form we wish it to be in and because of that we tend to take it as a sign that we should or should not take action. My advice is be careful what you ask for because you just may get it. If you have faith in something as unsubstantial as money, which is created out of thin air, why not have faith in yourself to be happy.

Peace, J

- To get something you've never had before, you must do something you've never done before -

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Work Life, Regular Life and the Life In Between

I've come to the basic understanding, most people don't understand me... So allow me to reintroduce myself...

I'm an everyday person, meaning I go to work, pay bills, come home, try to chill drink a few brews and live life.

I don't necessarily hate my job and I don't necessarily like my job, I more tolerate my job than anything. My job isn't bad considering, I am a new hire trainer for a company that shall remain nameless in NC. I like my job because of the different people I get to meet and work with on a daily basis, I dislike my job because of the social and political bullshit that goes on within a corporation. I also don't believe I was meant to be a worker bee, by that I mean make someone else money and work hard for them while they kick back and collect off my ideas and labor and stuff.

For instance, I am at work right now blogging. Mostly because when I'm not training there isn't a lot to do, I mean we follow up with people in their first 30, 60 and 90 days and we look for trends but I mean seriously, nothing major. With work life however, you have to fall in line with the culture to get by because we gotta work to eat and gotta eat to live. Now some people think that you only keep it real if you stay the same in every situation you encounter, I beg to differ because if that was the case we wouldn't survive. There is a reason only the strong survive and that reason is because only the strong adapts to their environment to ensure survival. For work life I have to put on my work face. In my opinion the people who keep it most real are the ones who can take elements of themselves and apply it to all situations they face.

Which brings me to my next topic, regular life. In regular life I think I am normal in an abnormal kind of way. I'm a dad, though not the dad I want to be, I'm a son, a brother, a friend, a lover, an uncle. I'm a free thinker which in my opinion means that I do not pass judgement on someone who doesn't believe what I believe or whose belief I don't entirely understand. I just let things be what they will be. In regular life, I make just enough money to save up to be broke, I have just enough faith to believe in the unbelieveable and I just try to get better every minute of every day. Regular life is hard especially when we have nothing that makes us happy. If we are always doing what someone thinks we are supposed to do or what makes everyone else happy you will be miserable, I know I've done it for the better part of my life. In regular life you have to deal with shit, some dumb shit, some bullshit and some shit that doesn't make any sense. The one thing about regular life is that regular life gets boring quick, fast and in a hurry. Regular life is just that, regular. I mean every now and again something exciting happens but not because of anything we do in regular life. This type of life is safe and we do everything as we are "supposed" to do it.

So because we live most of our lives regularly, a lot of people deal with it by creating an alternate life, or as I like to call it, the life in between. This life in between can be any number of things. My life in between is the life of a poet/emcee. This life in between is very delicate because you must learn to balance it between work life and regular life. Neglect it too much and it is lost, put too much time into it, it may become a hobby, part of regular life if you don't grow with it. This in between life can make your wildest dreams come true but if you aren't truly prepared to do what it takes it will be your worst nightmare. In order to balance the life in between with your other lives patience is most certainly a virtue. Most people only want their life in between to be at certain times, i.e. the weekend which is all well and good but for those of us who want our life in between to be the forefront of what we do, there is a certain amount of sacrifice, dedication, humility, humbleness, work and rejection we must take to change it from a part of our life to the focus of our life. As an artist I feel like you should be willing to continue your art whether another person ever listens, reads, looks or whatnot at your art ever again. Would you make music if no one listened? Would you write poems if no one read? Would you paint or sculpt if no one looked at your art? Don't get me wrong to be successful you must be able to adapt or change to get to the level of success you want to be but don't allow another to determine what success means to you.

In closing, I will leave you with a thought that has stuck with me since college.
"In order to get something you've never had before, you must be willing to do something you've never done before." What are you doing with your life?

Peace J